Homer Simpson Quotes

'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

The strong must protect the sweet.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!

D'oh!!!

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. (to aliens who abducted Simpson family)

I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming.

The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

Being popular is the most important thing in the world!

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"

Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe). Homer Simpson

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

God bless those pagans.

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Mmmm, free goo.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.

Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!

Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.

No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.

Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song)

Ignore the boy, Lord.

Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?

You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin. (on death of cat).

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.

Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!'

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!"

Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.

It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.

OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

They have the Internet on computers, now?

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.

Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.

I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.