Stewie Griffin Quotes

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!

What's this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G...oh, that's better than sex!

You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence... gotta get me some of that.

Do these huggies make my ass look big?

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus] German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15... Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland. Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany. [Throws his hand up in a Hitler salute.] Brian Griffin: Uh, is that a beer hall? Tour guide: [Snapping out of it] Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Stewie Griffin [reading the Bible]: My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh. Chris Griffin: Please, don't say pooh.

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

Victory is mine!

When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!

Forecast for tomorrow; a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Lois Griffin: WHAT!? Stewie Griffin: Hi. [runs off giggling]

Damn you all.

Brian Griffin: You're drunk. Stewie Griffin: You're sexy. Family Guy

Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.

You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Hmm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie, [holds up a leaf to Chris] and something very tasty for big, fat you.

Lois Griffin: What's going on down here? Stewie Griffin: Oh, we're playing house. Lois Griffin: That boy's all tied up. Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.

Lois Griffin: Stewie why don't you play in the other room? Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite. Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular. Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Meg Griffin: Everybody! Guess what I am? Stewie Griffin: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois Griffin [trying to feed Stewie broccoli airplane style]: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers! Lois Griffin: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Okay. No broccoli. Stewie Griffin: Very well then. L... [Lois shoves the Broccoli into his mouth. Stewie then spits it out.] Stewie Griffin: Who the hell do you think you are? Lois Griffin: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it. Stewie Griffin: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

[watching cheerleaders changing in a locker room] It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor-mortis.

I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

Peter Griffin [trying to potty-train Stewie]: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you. Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn. Peter Griffin: Rea... Really?

Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom? Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Chris Griffin: What did you get from your boyfriends? Meg Griffin: Oh you know from my boyfriend, Prince William, I got this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and a sceptre...[goes crazy and runs away crying] Stewie: She needs to get laid BIG TIME!

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy. Stewie Griffin: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS…[Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.] I'm going to do it! [Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.] BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you're Wonder Woman!

[In car with Brian, says to police officer] We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.

By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Do the women there have exposed clitorati?

Stewie Griffin [picking a booger]: Does this not disgust you? Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talkin' to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

Lois Griffin [finding note in Chris's pocket]: Huh, what's this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pocket. She's more respectful than that. Stewie Griffin: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different. Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.