Peter Griffin Quotes

Lois, when I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter Griffin: Aw, c'mon Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?

[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery] Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

[Death holds up Peter's death certificate] Peter Griffin: Where did you get that? Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him, he can't swim! Peter Griffin: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick. Lois Griffin: Peter, he's a paraplegic! Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Peter Griffin [when he's hungover]: This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. [Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.] Peter Griffin [as a child]: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus. Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker on the bed! Hooker: Hi. Peter Griffin: Stand perfectly still Lois, their vision is based on movement. [Pause] Hooker: Where'd you go?

I've got an idea - an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about.

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

I guess the lesson learned here is that it doesn't matter where everyone is from as long as we're all the same religion.

Now kids daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

[Giving a speech running for school board] This is life. So go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot.

Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines... Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley... Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup. Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda... Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter. Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green... Brian Griffin: Those are colors.

Lois Griffin: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle. Peter Griffin: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team! Brian Griffin: What the hell are you talking about?

Peter Griffin: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.' Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter Griffin: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life. Guy: OH MY GOD! Peter Griffin: No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead.

Lois Griffin: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh? Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. Lois Griffin: Hehehe...that's me. Peter Griffin: You dirty hustler. Lois Griffin: Hehehehe... Peter Griffin: You filthy, stinky prostitute. Lois Griffin: Aha, ok I get it... Peter Griffin: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore. Lois Griffin: Alright, that's enough!

[Narrating his life] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois knocks Peter out.] I woke several hours later in a daze.

[After Lois tells him he's childish] If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.

[At the grocery store] Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons. Peter Griffin: Now listen pal! Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons. Peter Griffon: Oh Man: And her hooters ain't bad either. Peter Griffon: Now hold on a second. Lois Griffin: Peter! I'm holding hooters! Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry. Man: No problem. [pause] Man: Your wife's hot. Peter Griffin: Alright that's it!

Lois Griffin: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts. Peter Griffin: Oh my God! [runs off crying]

Lois Griffin: Peter tell Chris that women are not objects! Peter Griffin: Your mother's right Chris, listen to what it says.

Lois Griffin: Peter, why are we stopped? Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers... Lois Griffin: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby! Peter Griffin: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty.

Peter Griffin [holding crying baby after Carol has given birth]: It's a beautiful baby girl! Carol Pewterschmidt: Ooh, a baby girl! I'm so happy! Peter Griffin: But she has a penis. Well, we'll have to do something about that [Picks up scalpel.] Lois Griffin [taking scalpel away]: Peter, no! It's a boy.

Peter Griffin [trying to potty-train Stewie]: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you. Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn. Peter Griffin: Rea... Really?

Peter Griffin: I've had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments. Meg Griffin: What accomplishments? Peter Griffin: Go to your room.

Meg Griffin: Look everybody I got a makeover!! Peter Griffin: Aw, Meg I thought you were always beautiful...[bursts out laughing]. Whoa, couldn't do that with a straight face, huh? Chris, go burn all of Meg's old pictures.

Peter Griffin [watching TV with Meg]: Who needs Brian? I have you to hang with me. [Starts talking to Meg like a dog as he's pointing at the TV.] Who that? Who that? Is that a dog, is it? Is that a dog right there? Look, see, see, Meg? Go get it! See? See the dog on TV? Who's the dog on TV? Meg Griffin [yells at Peter]: I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!!!

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework? Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? Peter Griffin [slowly]: I was raped. Lois Griffin [chuckles]: What? Peter Griffin: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. Lois Griffin [chuckles harder]: W-What? [Peter whispers in her ear] Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for a man your age. Peter Griffin: YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM! [runs off, sobbing] Lois Griffin: Fucking idiot.

Lois Griffin: So doctor, is Peter healthy? Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month. Peter Griffin: What? Doctor [revealing comic he was reading]: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you. Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh? Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. Peter/Lois: Argh! Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die... Peter Griffin: Argh! Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?! Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer. Lois Griffin: Oh my goodness! Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought. Peter/Lois: Oh! Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out. Lois Griffin: What?! Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now- Lois Griffin: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy? Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Lois Griffin: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model! Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Chris Griffin: Me too! Meg Griffin: Me too! Peter Griffin: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother! Meg Griffin [shrugs]: I'm just trying to fit in. Peter Griffin: Get out! Get out of this house! [Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.] Peter Griffin: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW! [Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.] Peter Griffin: That's a good about your modeling, Lois.