Stan Smith Quotes

Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend! Stan Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other! [pause] Stan Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.

Newspaper Headline: Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.

Roger the Alien [after knocking out two girls with frying pan]: Did you see where they went? Stan Smith: Who? Roger the Alien: The black guys who did this.

Stan Smith: I'm a Republican, Roger. Fixing elections is my bread and butter. You know how many votes George Bush got in the first election? Seven.

Stan Smith: So, what part of Islam do you hail from? Bob Merari: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland. Stan Smith: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.

Stan Smith: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time. [shouts] So look sharp! Hayley Smith [sarcastically]: You know, Dad, it's great how you and your CIA buddies have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear. Stan Smith: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Do you? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country that's the first thing to go! [toast pops up and Stan empties the entire magazine of his handgun into the toaster] Hayley Smith: It's just toast, Dad. Stan Smith: This time it was toast, Hayley. This time.

Newspaper headline: Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.

Steve Smith: Dad! There you are. Stan Smith: Of course I'm here. W-Where would I be? Alone, touching myself? Steve Smith: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that. Stan Smith [Laughs]: Well said, soldier.

Stan Smith [to pee-ed off Francine]: Why can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and let it go?

Stan Smith [picks up the phone]: This is Stan Smith. Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son. Stan Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [starts chugging down pills] Principal Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office. Stan Smith: I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth] Stan Smith: Henry, antidote.

Roger the Alien: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

Jack Smith: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman. Stan Smith: Right, so we should pound on it for, like, two minutes? Jack Smith: No, you've got to gently work the dials until she surrenders. And it opens.

Steve Smith: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin. Francine Smith: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

Avery Bullock: The last 20 years of your wife's memory have been erased. Stan Smith: Well, go ahead and undo it. Avery Bullock: Reverse brain erasing? Now, that's just science fiction. CIA Temp: Kind of like the female orgasm.

Old lady [spitting at the Lincoln Memorial]: That's for freein' the slaves, ya negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!

Francine Smith: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening? Avery Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

[Stan is about to shoot Roger; Francine, Hayley and Steve stand in the way] Stan Smith: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all! Hayley Smith: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

[Stan brings home a baby to replace Hayley when she moves out] Roger the Alien: Is that a Chinese baby? Stan Smith: Sure is! Japanese, to be specific.

[Roger calling Hayley on the phone] Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec? Hayley Smith: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences? Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.

Stan Smith: Son, if you ever get captured by any terrorists in the neighborhood and end up on Al-Jazeera, just blink your location in Morse code. I'll have a bomb dropped on your location immediately. Steve Smith: But, Dad, then I'd get killed too. Stan Smith: Ah, come on son, there are plenty of kids to play with in heaven. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist. She must be about 16 by now, you could totally tap that.

Roger the Alien: You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful? Klaus: I'm German. It's what we do.

Steve Smith [after holding hands with Betsy]: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I touched her boob! Algebra's awesome!

Hayley Smith [to Karl Rove]: I know you. You're the amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush! Karl Rove: Why thank you.

Hayley Smith: Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary. Stan Smith: Michael Moore… ? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

Roger The Alien [after getting out of suitcase]: Alright, where can I get some booze in this place? Hayley Smith: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country. Roger the Alien [Staring at her]: No seriously, where is the booze?

Francine Smith: Anything for me? Stan Smith [looking through mail]: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Guy #1: It's all set, right? Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [Pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan] Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood. Guy #2: I didn't finish the book. Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.

Roger the Alien: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye! Steve Smith: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!" Roger the Alien: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

Steve Smith: So then it's cool to alienate gays? Stan Smith: Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

Convenience Store Clerk: That'll be $150. Roger the Alien: What? How are we gonna come up with that kind of money? Stan Smith: We could turn in Jeff! Roger the Alien: I thought Jeff was innocent. Stan Smith: [gasp] We gotta save Jeff!